Från zinet Learning good consent, s. 14. Läs hela zinet som pdf via länken.
Content warning: texten berör effekter av sexuellt våld i barndomen.
I was
raised to believe guys wanted sex all the time, and that if they didn’t get off
when they were turned on they’d get blue-balls which was totally painful and
terrible. I was raised to believe that it was my job to do what was needed. I
was abused when I was young, and then dated much older guys, but when I was 18
I was in a relationship with someone my age. One time when he was out of town,
I read his journal. (which, needless to say, was a really terribly wrong thing
to do). In the journal it said something about how tired he was of always
having to have sex with me in the mornings. The thing was, I didn’t want to
have sex either. I thought because he was hard, that meant I had to do it, and
so I would initiate. I generally initiated when I thought someone wanted it, so
that I wouldn’t have to try and say no, and then be raped (even though this boy
would have never ever raped me and I knew that). Reading his journal was the
first time I realized that I could be
the one who had the power, and that I could be coercive even when I didn’t want
to be. This lead me to really committ myself to reading about childhood sexual
abuse, and looking at how my abuse history could make me do abusive things. Of
course, it was a long task. I am still learning.
For me, it is important to remember that it is a long unlearning. I try and be really conscious, but sometimes can fall into old patterns when I least expect it. For awhile polyamory was really important in trying to figure out my own sexuality and how to have healthy relationships, and sometimes I was good at it, and sometimes I used polyamory as an excuse to be dismissive of other peoples feelings and needs. Reading Wendy-O-Matic's book Redifining Our Relationships was really useful to me in helping me figure out how to be ethical in my poly-amoury and not just to use it as a holier than thou manipulation tactic. Eventually I desided polyamory fed in to my over sexualization of everyone I knew, and that I didn't want to be thinking that way about everyone. I wanted to be able to have clear friendship and clear boundaries. It was really good for me to stop flirting and to figure out ways to connect with my friends that weren't sexual. I started to form much closer and more stable relationships with my friends, which has helped me learn about setting boundaries and respecting boundaries in all areas of my life.
I still struggle with always turning closeness into sexual feelings. I don't really blame myself for it, because I know that it comes from childhood abuse. I am trying to learn ways to be really upfront with my friends when I am trying to get physical, non-sexual comfort. I've found that even when it seems obvious, it's completely important to me to state from the beginning "I want to cuddle but don't want to do anything sexual." even when it is with my best friend and I have said it a hundred times before. I just almost always think that when someone touches me they want to have sex, and then I start responding to this assumed want. So stating what we are doing before hand helps.
There have been a couple times recently when I have been sleeping next to a new friend , who I felt pretty clearly like we wouldn't do anything but then we ended up doing sexual stuff that felt consensual. In both cases, I knew I should have talked about it as it was happening, and in both cases, I was older and so felt like it was my responsibility to bring it up, but I try not to beat myself up about it and I have made sure to talk to them later to make sure it was ok. These talks went really well.
For me, it is important to remember that it is a long unlearning. I try and be really conscious, but sometimes can fall into old patterns when I least expect it. For awhile polyamory was really important in trying to figure out my own sexuality and how to have healthy relationships, and sometimes I was good at it, and sometimes I used polyamory as an excuse to be dismissive of other peoples feelings and needs. Reading Wendy-O-Matic's book Redifining Our Relationships was really useful to me in helping me figure out how to be ethical in my poly-amoury and not just to use it as a holier than thou manipulation tactic. Eventually I desided polyamory fed in to my over sexualization of everyone I knew, and that I didn't want to be thinking that way about everyone. I wanted to be able to have clear friendship and clear boundaries. It was really good for me to stop flirting and to figure out ways to connect with my friends that weren't sexual. I started to form much closer and more stable relationships with my friends, which has helped me learn about setting boundaries and respecting boundaries in all areas of my life.
I still struggle with always turning closeness into sexual feelings. I don't really blame myself for it, because I know that it comes from childhood abuse. I am trying to learn ways to be really upfront with my friends when I am trying to get physical, non-sexual comfort. I've found that even when it seems obvious, it's completely important to me to state from the beginning "I want to cuddle but don't want to do anything sexual." even when it is with my best friend and I have said it a hundred times before. I just almost always think that when someone touches me they want to have sex, and then I start responding to this assumed want. So stating what we are doing before hand helps.
There have been a couple times recently when I have been sleeping next to a new friend , who I felt pretty clearly like we wouldn't do anything but then we ended up doing sexual stuff that felt consensual. In both cases, I knew I should have talked about it as it was happening, and in both cases, I was older and so felt like it was my responsibility to bring it up, but I try not to beat myself up about it and I have made sure to talk to them later to make sure it was ok. These talks went really well.
